This article was originally published on Psycologies.ru
Sexuality is always subjective, but from a psychological perspective it can be described with two absolutely different forms which on the surface look absolutely similar. The first one is genuine, «true», while the second is «fake» appearing very bright on the outside, but filled with anger, pain or emptiness.
True sexuality is based on a strong or average sexual constitution. Individuals with this type of sexuality are physically and emotionally resilient, able to handle emotions and act in accordance with their personalities. They form long-term relationships based on trust and can maintain them even after hormonal changes in the early stages of a relationship. These people are passionate, but they don't make impulsive decisions about their relationships based solely on emotions. True sexuality also involves enjoying a sexual relationship without using it as a way to deal with childhood traumas. Instead, it's about setting boundaries, saying "no" when necessary, respecting each other's personal space and maintaining one's own identity.
False sexuality often grows up from pain and trauma. It’s also associated with a strong natural libido which actually helps people to cope with childhood emotional pain. This type of sexuality is often seen in bright and charismatic individuals, but it manifests in chaotic intimate relationships or even in the absence of a true sexual connection.
There are three main factors that can contribute to the development of false sexuality.
True sexuality is based on a strong or average sexual constitution. Individuals with this type of sexuality are physically and emotionally resilient, able to handle emotions and act in accordance with their personalities. They form long-term relationships based on trust and can maintain them even after hormonal changes in the early stages of a relationship. These people are passionate, but they don't make impulsive decisions about their relationships based solely on emotions. True sexuality also involves enjoying a sexual relationship without using it as a way to deal with childhood traumas. Instead, it's about setting boundaries, saying "no" when necessary, respecting each other's personal space and maintaining one's own identity.
False sexuality often grows up from pain and trauma. It’s also associated with a strong natural libido which actually helps people to cope with childhood emotional pain. This type of sexuality is often seen in bright and charismatic individuals, but it manifests in chaotic intimate relationships or even in the absence of a true sexual connection.
There are three main factors that can contribute to the development of false sexuality.
1. Physical absence of the mother and abuse
There can be various situations: early loss of the mother not related to her true perception of the child; frequent surrender of the baby to relatives for extended periods of time; a drinking or chronically ill mother. The child passes through loneliness and unneeded which he perceives as deserved as children experience attitude of parents as something what they really provoked. This is subconscious mechanism to keep a «good» parent.
A similar pattern can be seen in families where there is an abusive attitude towards a child. In such cases the child's sexuality often develops early. Adolescents may resort to masturbation as a way to deal with aggression and pain. However this is not a genuine expression of their sexual development. I would say that sexual release becomes a form of chemical dependency. Furthermore only an intense relationship brings the sense of genuine connection. Such people constantly worry about being abandoned by a partner, so they may find it difficult to maintain the stability.
Childhood abandonment seeks intense symbiotic confluence. On an external level they seem set up for a long-term relationship, but internally suffer from anger, anxiety and an inability to build a secure bond, so these people pretty quickly begin to torture their partners with aggression. Intimacy, if it can be called like that, is confirmed in a narcotic intensity through passionate sex and in the form of endless abusive clarifications. Outside of relationships these people may suffer from compulsive sexual behavior. This can manifest as excessive masturbation and an obsessive search for sexual partners. Regardless of how many orgasms they experience these individuals may still feel a sense of «hunger» which can lead to physical pain in the crotch, tears and difficulties with concentration. Sexual desire can be compared to an obsession and it reflects real inner agony which is related to early childhood trauma. People suffering from compulsive sexual behavior may be hesitant to look for medical or psychological help, but this problem can be treated, just therapy takes some time.
A similar pattern can be seen in families where there is an abusive attitude towards a child. In such cases the child's sexuality often develops early. Adolescents may resort to masturbation as a way to deal with aggression and pain. However this is not a genuine expression of their sexual development. I would say that sexual release becomes a form of chemical dependency. Furthermore only an intense relationship brings the sense of genuine connection. Such people constantly worry about being abandoned by a partner, so they may find it difficult to maintain the stability.
Childhood abandonment seeks intense symbiotic confluence. On an external level they seem set up for a long-term relationship, but internally suffer from anger, anxiety and an inability to build a secure bond, so these people pretty quickly begin to torture their partners with aggression. Intimacy, if it can be called like that, is confirmed in a narcotic intensity through passionate sex and in the form of endless abusive clarifications. Outside of relationships these people may suffer from compulsive sexual behavior. This can manifest as excessive masturbation and an obsessive search for sexual partners. Regardless of how many orgasms they experience these individuals may still feel a sense of «hunger» which can lead to physical pain in the crotch, tears and difficulties with concentration. Sexual desire can be compared to an obsession and it reflects real inner agony which is related to early childhood trauma. People suffering from compulsive sexual behavior may be hesitant to look for medical or psychological help, but this problem can be treated, just therapy takes some time.
2. «Cold» narcissistic mother
People with narcissistic type of character avoid emotional connections and authenticity. They feel shame at showing emotions and expressing affection as these things are associated with weakness. A naturally emotional child raised by narcissistic parents needs attention and connection, but he receives irony and neglect when he tries to establish connection with his mother. Although the child may be loved, but mother's unwillingness to show affection can be humiliating. This makes her an unapproachable figure and the child feels like a servant to his noble lady. As a result a person's true genuine individuality goes deep into the background and in its place forms a facade of bright and ostentatious cheerfulness. Children from such families grow up needing constant affirmation of their own significance. They often have many partners who come and go serving as a source of validation for their importance. Their stable relationships are characterized by superficial communication without genuine immersion into the personality of their partner. Often marriage for them is seen as a social confirmation of "normality", but its meaning is often empty. They may have constantly changing lovers on the side, but even with these partners the intimacy remains only sexual and is characterized by formality and lack of pure depth.
It’s interesting that in long-term relationship such people pretty often meet up sexual difficulties despite having a high level of libido. For example, women may experience anorgasmia and men suffer from erectile dysfunction. In distant or not serious relationships, however, everything works well. This happens due to deep shame of true selves, so the closer is the partner the more it’s hard to open up in intimacy or feel a genuine interest to the other person. As a result they may not be very good lovers, because quality of sexual relationships is based on being able to feel both your partner and yourself. These individuals may seem lively and cheerful, but their relationships often revolve around proving their own normality. They seek sexual attention, but have difficulties with expressing emotions and being open not only in the bedroom, but also in real life. Being themselves is equal to being ashamed. However therapy can help them learn to accept and express their true feelings and desires, leading to more fulfilling relationships.
It’s interesting that in long-term relationship such people pretty often meet up sexual difficulties despite having a high level of libido. For example, women may experience anorgasmia and men suffer from erectile dysfunction. In distant or not serious relationships, however, everything works well. This happens due to deep shame of true selves, so the closer is the partner the more it’s hard to open up in intimacy or feel a genuine interest to the other person. As a result they may not be very good lovers, because quality of sexual relationships is based on being able to feel both your partner and yourself. These individuals may seem lively and cheerful, but their relationships often revolve around proving their own normality. They seek sexual attention, but have difficulties with expressing emotions and being open not only in the bedroom, but also in real life. Being themselves is equal to being ashamed. However therapy can help them learn to accept and express their true feelings and desires, leading to more fulfilling relationships.
3. Unproductive forms of resolving the Oedipus complex
We all experience the Oedipus complex between the ages of three and seven. During this period children in the case of heterosexual development become fixated on the parent of the opposite sex as an object of attraction and see the parent of their own sex as a rival. This is when children kiss their parents and promise to marry them. The outcome of this process depends on the adult relationship. If parents are in a healthy emotional-sexual relationship and don’t use their children as bargaining chips or to solve their problems, children will not become involved in the dynamics that are playing out in their psyches. Dad will remain a father for the girl if he loves and respects his wife and sees her as the primary woman in his life. In turn the mother will not see her daughter as a threat. The daughter will be able to identify with her mother as a woman and be able to form healthy relationships with men in the future. For the boy his mother will stop being interesting as a romantic partner in the case where she is in a strong and happy marriage with her husband who doesn't see the growing son as a rival. In this situation the boy will have the opportunity to identify with his father and later enter into relationships with women as a confident and mature man.
Often the Oedipus can’t be resolved in a productive way and the child remains fixated in an eroticized relationship with a parent of the opposite sex and in conflict with their own parent. This can happen with a boy, for example, when the father himself is not feeling like a man and seeks to suppress others around him including his son (and his own masculinity) or when he is simply weak and disconnected. In both cases the boy doesn’t have anyone to turn for support as a man and grows up feeling insecure. However, this doesn't always lead to the development of a false sense of sexuality.
But if a woman brings up her child alone (she may be loving and caring) and the pain from past relationships with men is transferred on the child he may feel like a hero, but at the same time he may be subconsciously be angry with his mother (because the woman he was trying to protect loved someone else). In the end we will see a man who is flamboyant and has a lot of different romantic relationships, but he won’t be able to form a lasting bond with anyone.
The situation with girl can be even more complexed. In families where the father is a bright and sexually active person who doesn't love or appreciate his wife and the mother is emotionally dependent on him the daughter would become the «third» that keeps her parents together. Unconsciously the mother sees the daughter as a young rival who still has everything ahead and because of her own sexual insecurities she begins to look for signs of sexuality in her daughter and attack them. She blames the young girl for her own feelings. At the same time the father easily finds a common language with his daughter and against the background of a persecuting mother he turns into an "ideal" for her. As a result the daughter unknowingly takes on the role of the "sexual fixer" of the family, trying to be sexual, but feeling that sexuality is "dirty". She tries to turn to her father for support, but in doing so she betrays her unhappy and hated mother. For her mother she remains a competitive figure forever, so she can’t relate to her as a woman. The more intense the tension in the family the stronger this girl will play out the roles imposed on her through sex. It is likely that she will lead an active and expressive sexual life, entering into various relationships (from casual to long-term), subconsciously proving to men that she can be on equal footing with them, copying the behavior of her father who treated women with contempt. However, behind the masculinity pressure there will be a woman who feels inferior in her femininity. Therefore in the relationship, after some time, this woman will become passive - to the point of not being able to experience an orgasm or communicate her emotional and sexual needs to her partner. That’s what is called «false sexuality". By the way, it can be easily worked through in therapy.
In the worst case scenario for a young woman the combination of these three factors can lead to prostitution if she consciously chooses this path and not due to kidnapping or slavery. Selling one's body can be seen as an act of self-destruction and a sign of desperation as well as a way to prove to a man that they are worthless since they seek to possess something that is not valuable. Usually girls involved in this trade do feel psychological pleasure from their work.
Often the Oedipus can’t be resolved in a productive way and the child remains fixated in an eroticized relationship with a parent of the opposite sex and in conflict with their own parent. This can happen with a boy, for example, when the father himself is not feeling like a man and seeks to suppress others around him including his son (and his own masculinity) or when he is simply weak and disconnected. In both cases the boy doesn’t have anyone to turn for support as a man and grows up feeling insecure. However, this doesn't always lead to the development of a false sense of sexuality.
But if a woman brings up her child alone (she may be loving and caring) and the pain from past relationships with men is transferred on the child he may feel like a hero, but at the same time he may be subconsciously be angry with his mother (because the woman he was trying to protect loved someone else). In the end we will see a man who is flamboyant and has a lot of different romantic relationships, but he won’t be able to form a lasting bond with anyone.
The situation with girl can be even more complexed. In families where the father is a bright and sexually active person who doesn't love or appreciate his wife and the mother is emotionally dependent on him the daughter would become the «third» that keeps her parents together. Unconsciously the mother sees the daughter as a young rival who still has everything ahead and because of her own sexual insecurities she begins to look for signs of sexuality in her daughter and attack them. She blames the young girl for her own feelings. At the same time the father easily finds a common language with his daughter and against the background of a persecuting mother he turns into an "ideal" for her. As a result the daughter unknowingly takes on the role of the "sexual fixer" of the family, trying to be sexual, but feeling that sexuality is "dirty". She tries to turn to her father for support, but in doing so she betrays her unhappy and hated mother. For her mother she remains a competitive figure forever, so she can’t relate to her as a woman. The more intense the tension in the family the stronger this girl will play out the roles imposed on her through sex. It is likely that she will lead an active and expressive sexual life, entering into various relationships (from casual to long-term), subconsciously proving to men that she can be on equal footing with them, copying the behavior of her father who treated women with contempt. However, behind the masculinity pressure there will be a woman who feels inferior in her femininity. Therefore in the relationship, after some time, this woman will become passive - to the point of not being able to experience an orgasm or communicate her emotional and sexual needs to her partner. That’s what is called «false sexuality". By the way, it can be easily worked through in therapy.
In the worst case scenario for a young woman the combination of these three factors can lead to prostitution if she consciously chooses this path and not due to kidnapping or slavery. Selling one's body can be seen as an act of self-destruction and a sign of desperation as well as a way to prove to a man that they are worthless since they seek to possess something that is not valuable. Usually girls involved in this trade do feel psychological pleasure from their work.