This article was originally published on Psycologies.ru
How a narcissistic personality is formed
The main factors that contribute the development of narcissism are emotional emptiness in relationships with parents, particularly with the mother, and a high level of perfectionism in the family. These two factors create a sense of deep shame that blocks true self from pure expression.
Emotional emptiness
When I talk about emotional emptiness I mean not a lively emotional connection with a child. Instead it refers to dry, formal communication and the absence of genuine sincerity and closeness. However this doesn’t mean a lack of love. Pretty often cold parents are unknowingly ashamed of their emotional expressions, so they see insensitive contact as safe and reliable. They discuss duties and avoid or block emotional communication. But the child needs their personality to be seen and reflected in the parent’s actions.
Questions and comments like: "You seem sad," "What did you draw?" or "What are you angry about?" show empathy and create a sense of being seen and understood. In contrast in a narcissistic families interactions are limited to discussing grades, meals, and schedules. Emotions are seen as taboo, so they are excluded from relationships.
In the midst of this endless emptiness the child develops an unconscious fantasy that any instinctive, emotional or individual expression is shameful and wrong, as it is ignored by closest people. This leads to a gradual rejection of one’s "normality" and shame replaces natural individuality.
Questions and comments like: "You seem sad," "What did you draw?" or "What are you angry about?" show empathy and create a sense of being seen and understood. In contrast in a narcissistic families interactions are limited to discussing grades, meals, and schedules. Emotions are seen as taboo, so they are excluded from relationships.
In the midst of this endless emptiness the child develops an unconscious fantasy that any instinctive, emotional or individual expression is shameful and wrong, as it is ignored by closest people. This leads to a gradual rejection of one’s "normality" and shame replaces natural individuality.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is manifested in the fact that child is expected to be perfect and not embarrass his family. If he studies he should get only best marks. Parents don’t not always expect excellent grades, but they react emotionally when the child fails. They focus on achievements and ignore everything that is not ideal. An ideal child also doesn’t have a right to be angry, upset or offended, he has to feel only positive emotions that mark he parent as perfect. As a result the child feels a sense of inadequacy and strives for an ideal image to be loved.
Naturally, the development of a person’s character is influenced by various factors, including relationships with father, other family members, traumatic experiences and various life events. However the combination of feelings of emptiness and perfectionism can be seen as the main factors that lead to a person becoming addicted to confirmation their own greatness.
A narcissistic individual rarely recognizes anger, resentment, envy or fear as these emotions are seen as extremely unworthy on their scale. They also rarely recognize attachment in relationships. Instead, in the outside world, a narcissist seeks out mirrors to confirm their grandiosity. Otherwise he will suffer a collapse.
If a narcissistic person is faced with "setbacks" in their self-esteem such as negative emotions, difficulties at work or school or dissatisfaction with themselves they instantly turn on the defense mechanism of devaluing what has dared to reflect their negative image back to them. Relationships with these people often end before the first complaint is even voiced by their partner. As a result people with narcissistic tendencies are extremely sensitive to perceived social setbacks and often abandon projects or relationships if they encounter unexpected difficulties.
There is even a specific type of depression known as "narcissistic depression" which arises from an obsessive focus on one’s own shortcomings when faced with the impossibility of achieving perfection and the belief that "the world has let you down." This can lead to a complete loss of motivation and a sense of hopelessness.
Naturally, the development of a person’s character is influenced by various factors, including relationships with father, other family members, traumatic experiences and various life events. However the combination of feelings of emptiness and perfectionism can be seen as the main factors that lead to a person becoming addicted to confirmation their own greatness.
A narcissistic individual rarely recognizes anger, resentment, envy or fear as these emotions are seen as extremely unworthy on their scale. They also rarely recognize attachment in relationships. Instead, in the outside world, a narcissist seeks out mirrors to confirm their grandiosity. Otherwise he will suffer a collapse.
If a narcissistic person is faced with "setbacks" in their self-esteem such as negative emotions, difficulties at work or school or dissatisfaction with themselves they instantly turn on the defense mechanism of devaluing what has dared to reflect their negative image back to them. Relationships with these people often end before the first complaint is even voiced by their partner. As a result people with narcissistic tendencies are extremely sensitive to perceived social setbacks and often abandon projects or relationships if they encounter unexpected difficulties.
There is even a specific type of depression known as "narcissistic depression" which arises from an obsessive focus on one’s own shortcomings when faced with the impossibility of achieving perfection and the belief that "the world has let you down." This can lead to a complete loss of motivation and a sense of hopelessness.
Relationship with a narcissistic person
We all know the annoyance that comes from private life where "we choose and are chosen, but often it doesn’t match," and this is a common situation for people with narcissistic traits. The reason behind the inability to form a partnership is rooted in unconscious envy, which the narcissistic individual will deny. With a constant sense of their own unworthiness the person has a fantasy of an ideal existence which they must strive for, so the unconscious choice of a romantic partner is based on a desire to attain the ideal and obtain his best qualities.
That’s why people with a narcissistic personality tend to seek out inaccessible relationships. They don’t need a deep connection, because their main goal is to find someone who can’t make them feel ashamed.
If you ask a narcissistic person what attracted them to their partner they will likely list qualities that they lack themselves. Unfortunately, these relationships often end badly for the other person.
Faced with the reality that the partner is an ordinary person the narcissistic individual experiences severe disappointment. They leave the relationship contemptuously, "injecting" a sense of insignificance into the other person. This usually happens when the partner begins to feel love. The narcissist punishes the idealized object for their disappointment and through humiliation makes them feel as disgusting as they feel.
I believe that this is why there is a negative attitude towards narcissism in society — there are too many destructive relationships. Unfortunately, ending a relationship with a narcissist can cause serious damage to one’s self-esteem and people who are left behind often take years to recover. And the breakup feels like there was no human connection at all.
Within the same relationship such a person may tend to "freeze" emotional intimacy. They communicate quite formally and do not discuss problems. For the narcissistic individual difficulties in the relationship are seen as their own failure, so they maintain a façade. However, suppressing feelings doesn’t mean they disappear. While the narcissist is trapped in their partner’s idealization negative emotions are repressed. During a breakup these emotions often spill out as accusations that the partner themselves provoked negativity.
Narcissistic person is unconsciously afraid of genuine intimacy and can’t be themselves in a relationship. This is another reason why they "run after and away from an object". Achieving the perfect other is not the same as having a simple relationship. Just like self-affirmation through a passionate admirer is not the same as a genuine love affair where one can encounter an imperfect, but real self.
it may seem that people with narcissistic personalities don’t have empathy. In fact they likely understand their partner’s negative feelings. But because they can’t see themselves as the cause of those emotions they can express empathy and defend themselves with an arrogant wall.
That’s why people with a narcissistic personality tend to seek out inaccessible relationships. They don’t need a deep connection, because their main goal is to find someone who can’t make them feel ashamed.
If you ask a narcissistic person what attracted them to their partner they will likely list qualities that they lack themselves. Unfortunately, these relationships often end badly for the other person.
Faced with the reality that the partner is an ordinary person the narcissistic individual experiences severe disappointment. They leave the relationship contemptuously, "injecting" a sense of insignificance into the other person. This usually happens when the partner begins to feel love. The narcissist punishes the idealized object for their disappointment and through humiliation makes them feel as disgusting as they feel.
I believe that this is why there is a negative attitude towards narcissism in society — there are too many destructive relationships. Unfortunately, ending a relationship with a narcissist can cause serious damage to one’s self-esteem and people who are left behind often take years to recover. And the breakup feels like there was no human connection at all.
Within the same relationship such a person may tend to "freeze" emotional intimacy. They communicate quite formally and do not discuss problems. For the narcissistic individual difficulties in the relationship are seen as their own failure, so they maintain a façade. However, suppressing feelings doesn’t mean they disappear. While the narcissist is trapped in their partner’s idealization negative emotions are repressed. During a breakup these emotions often spill out as accusations that the partner themselves provoked negativity.
Narcissistic person is unconsciously afraid of genuine intimacy and can’t be themselves in a relationship. This is another reason why they "run after and away from an object". Achieving the perfect other is not the same as having a simple relationship. Just like self-affirmation through a passionate admirer is not the same as a genuine love affair where one can encounter an imperfect, but real self.
it may seem that people with narcissistic personalities don’t have empathy. In fact they likely understand their partner’s negative feelings. But because they can’t see themselves as the cause of those emotions they can express empathy and defend themselves with an arrogant wall.
Narcissistic Personality Therapy
I can say that therapy with a narcissistic client is a really difficult and time-consuming process for both. The main difficulty is related to the inability of a person to recognize problems and limitations in himself. No matter what the client’s request is, no matter what is discussed in the office all conversations gradually loop and turn into a fairly dry format of the same type. This is how a person unknowingly controls the therapist, not allowing him to approach the true personality, which psychologically survives at the cost of creating a bubble of grandiose fantasies around himself.
Attempts to confront, to step into the depths cause the narcissistic client to rage which begins to spill out through a demonstrative devaluation of the therapist and all the work. Such people are very good at stinging and you need to be a sufficiently "sophisticated" specialist to withstand narcissistic attempts to destroy the psychologist’s self-esteem.
Envy of the therapist’s "normalcy" also plays a role. The client is unable to recognize the need for help which is linked to the therapist’s success and this further paralyses the opportunity for progress. Any attempts to break through the "narcissistic shell" cause intense anger up to the point of ending therapy.
When a narcissistic client starts to trust the therapy process self-disclosure begins — the person describes themselves exclusively in comparison to others. It becomes clear how much a narcissistic person sees their emotions and reactions as inadequate and abnormal. Therefore they expect constant external praise.
I don’t agree that narcissistic therapy is useless. There is, of course, a severe form of narcissism that makes therapy impossible, but in my professional experience it’s possible to help people with narcissism in three years. The key is to avoid judgment.
Attempts to confront, to step into the depths cause the narcissistic client to rage which begins to spill out through a demonstrative devaluation of the therapist and all the work. Such people are very good at stinging and you need to be a sufficiently "sophisticated" specialist to withstand narcissistic attempts to destroy the psychologist’s self-esteem.
Envy of the therapist’s "normalcy" also plays a role. The client is unable to recognize the need for help which is linked to the therapist’s success and this further paralyses the opportunity for progress. Any attempts to break through the "narcissistic shell" cause intense anger up to the point of ending therapy.
When a narcissistic client starts to trust the therapy process self-disclosure begins — the person describes themselves exclusively in comparison to others. It becomes clear how much a narcissistic person sees their emotions and reactions as inadequate and abnormal. Therefore they expect constant external praise.
I don’t agree that narcissistic therapy is useless. There is, of course, a severe form of narcissism that makes therapy impossible, but in my professional experience it’s possible to help people with narcissism in three years. The key is to avoid judgment.